Thoughts On Thinsperation

Today, my thoughts are on Thinsperation. A while ago, I stumbled upon a website dedicated to "pro-ana" and "ana angels". I must admit that at first it made me uncomfortable. I mean, you read all of this stuff about how horrible it is, and everyone's watched a video or two in health class. But at the same time, it intrigues me. Because when I read the posts on these sights, I can sense the urgency these girls have to be thin. I can feel the pressure that they feel, and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one. But then I think, I'm not like these girls. I'm not 5'5 and 98lbs, i'm 5'9 and 261lbs. Well at least I was. I started a 'lifestyle change' a few months ago, and I've been doing okay I guess. But recently I've started to slip. I read what these people say about those who are obese. And I feel the same way. And I'm one of THEM. Don't get me wrong, I think everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and know what it's like not to be treated like one. But at the same time, I can't help but look around at people and think "is that what I look like"? I notice THEM most when I sit in the airport. You know when you have nothing to do, but wait...I look around, and I see the people getting off of the flights, the fat people. The people that have a waddle when they walk. The ones who have that roll of fat overtop of their jeans. The ones with three chins. Now I know I don't waddle, but my roll is there, and the chins, though not here yet, are fast approaching. I see THEM and I see myself, and I know that's what I'm going to be. So I've taken control. But it's hard to feel good about that control I've taken, when everytime I look in a mirror, it doesnt seem to change. That was my mistake the last time. Once upon a time, I dieted, and was thin. But only for a moment. Literally. Within 9 months, I had dropped from a 36 waist, to a 29-30. Looking at pictures, I can see how much better I looked, still not perfect, but better...But the person in those pictures couldnt see that. All I saw was the fat girl who still couldn't reach her goal. I had dedicated so much time, and I still felt ugly. I turned back to food, and I've gained 110lbs since then. It's been 6 years since then. I wonder if I can do it again. I need a map of the progress, I need to shove it into my face every second of every day. That's why I've turned to this. So many sights have shown me that with the right support from yourself, and others, it's possible. I'll have to work on finding the "others" since my friends politely insist "you're not FAT"! and then they continually ridicule their size 2 frames. I'd rather a friend support me than lie to me. Though I know they're doing what they think is right. I'll have to look elsewhere. For now, this is my haven...this is where I will draw my support from. If only from myself. My GOALS are:
1) Lose 128lbs (that's a whole person! ew.)
2) Follow the thin commandments:
1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.
3) Follow through!
I know some of the commandments seem crazy. Rationally I know that. But I can't honestly say that I would choose being healthy over being thin. Ever. Being thin is pretty, and being pretty means everything. I believe in "inner beauty" but no one looks inside before they take a look at the outside. Ever. It isn't possible.